Boys will be boys?

Having a rebellious child can be both frustrating and scary. Brady entered the world with eyes wide open and ready to explore. He was crawling at 5 months, walking at 10 months, and escaping his crib before his 18-month birthday.

He has always been into everything. In fact, I don’t believe he has sat still for more than 10 minutes at a time his whole life (with the exception of riding in the car.) Due to his activeness, it is difficult to take him anywhere fun. Restaurants are out, because of his inability to sit still. I remember a time when he got up from the booth and left the table with the booster seat still attached to his bottom.  

Going to the store has always been a nightmare. He screams at the top of his lungs when he doesn’t get what he wants. He once, unbeknownst to me, left a trail of Goldfish down every single aisle in the grocery store because I wouldn’t buy cookies. Thinking if he was allowed to drive the “car cart” at Food Lion he would behave, I gave it a try when he was 4. It wasn’t until I was on the other side of the store that I realized he had escaped the bottom of the cart and was running around like a wild man. Talk about scary!

His potty mouth was another issue. In June 2012 I took him to Belk to choose a bridal gift for a friend. He pitched the biggest fit of his life over a Cars toy. I got the “control your kid!” stares from every person we walked past. He then proceeded to tell the cashier she was a “dookie head.” I haven’t been back to Belk and I haven’t taken Brady anywhere alone since.

Defiance also encompasses his stubbornness and fearlessness. If he is told he cannot have a treat, he climbs the counter and gets what he wants. I walked into the kitchen a few days ago and he had made himself an ice cream sundae that was bigger than him. He has no fear- when he was 2 he climbed a stack of moving boxes and said “Look mom, I can touch the ceiling!” I recently walked in on him “tightrope walking” around the ledge of his sisters crib. There have been countless trips to the ER and Urgent Care, not to mention the body cast he was in at age 3.

My husband proclaimed time and again that our son is just a boy being a boy. I have reluctantly agreed. Funny thing is, his defiant behavior only occurs around and towards me most of the time. I secretly believe that he blames me for his dad being gone so often. Being a military family can have many effects on children. It is part of the life and I am sure we will see more examples of this the more dad is gone and the more we move. And in case you are wondering, we do implement time outs and there are consequences for unacceptable behavior. We do not just “allow” him to do these things.

Brady is five years old now, and will be entering kindergarten in the fall and things have not improved much. I have been in tears more days than I can count out of worry and frustration. I have been scared to death that he will run out in a parking lot or simply leave the house and wander off (he’s done both-  we have child locks but he knows how to work them all). He is a night owl and will stay up until 11:00. There are many nights I have fallen asleep (while waiting for him to go to sleep) and awoken in terror that he had hurt himself or got into something. His behavior, while slightly improving, is still questionable and the number one problem is this: he is still not fully potty trained.

Brady’s toilet training became delayed when he was in his body cast for 6 weeks. It took him a year to relearn habits and be able to pee-pee in the toilet. This only came with the help of his teachers. At his 4 year old check-up I expressed concern to his doctor that he was still having bowel movements in his underpants. The doctor told us everything I had already tried and didn’t seem concerned. I hear too many stories about forced potty training and didn’t want to push it. A year later, he was still having accidents every day. These weren’t just small accidents and the child was and is petrified to sit on the potty! Screaming at the top of his lungs that he was scared he was “going to be killed” is heart-wrenching to a parent. Here are some things we tried:

1. Sticker charts

2. Choosing own underpants

3. Using the baby potty, picking out his own toilet seat, and using the big potty

4. Forcing him to sit on the toilet

5. Ignoring the toilet and quietly cleaning away the mess

6. Ordering parenting books and children’s story-books about being afraid to poop

7. Using Metamucil and fiber gummies

8. Prizes

At his 5 year old check-up the doctor seemed concerned enough to refer him to a developmental pediatrician. My husband freaked and was very concerned they would diagnose him with something and recommend medicine. We were nervous about that, but agreed it was time to get to the bottom of some things. Regardless of the outcome, we needed help. There are so many awesome parents of children with developmental delays, and I knew we would be able to handle whatever was to come our way.

Today was Brady’s appointment and he did fabulously. We had to go out of town to meet with a specialist and she was great. We filled out lots of paperwork and Brady underwent lots of tests and exercises, including tests to determine autism, oppositional defiance disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, ADHD and others. This was obviously a little nerve-wracking and I felt I would be blamed for his behavior. Before I became a mom, I constantly judged other parents. Now that I am the mom of a spirited child, the shoe is on the other foot. Fortunately, it turned out that none of our fears came true.

He actually scored well above average on his testing. The doctor explained that he is very intelligent (which I already knew J) He does have large tonsils (as do I-I’m getting a tonsillectomy in June- yikes!)and grinds his teeth. The doctor seemed to believe it is interfering with his sleep and causing some of his behavior. He does have separation anxiety, but I already knew that as well. He has borderline ADHD and shows borderline defiant behavior. Other than that he is a perfectly “normal” little boy who needs some more structure in his routine. I was given books and information to read over and was encouraged to set up an appointment with a counselor to discuss Brady’s toilet habits and his behavior towards me. We are scheduled to return for a follow-up visit in a couple of months.

As for now, I plan to follow doctor’s orders and work hard on establishing a better routine for the kids. I plan to implement the tips and suggestions given to us and read the recommended books. If it takes counseling for Brady to work out his feelings regarding toilet training, I am fine with that. The purpose of this post is NOT to make my son look bad, embarrass him, or share our private information. This is solely to give parents the courage to seek help for their children if they feel it is needed. Parents tend to stress about potty training and I want them to know if it is accomplished by the time your child is 2, that’s great. But if your child is still struggling at age 4 or 5, that’s ok too. I have a hard time envisioning my son still pooping his pants in 5^th grade. If he is, that will certainly warrant another blog post. Embrace your children’s differences and never be afraid to ask for help!