Kindergarten

I have known this week was coming for a long time, and I knew it would be bad. August 25 has been marked on the calendar since sometime in February. Every month since then I would flip the pages forward and stare at the date, count the months, then weeks, then days until the Big Day.

Anyone who knows me knows my children are my entire world. I have had many ups and downs with Brady over the past 5 years, but I wouldn't change a single thing. I love that child so much it hurts. I am admittedly an overprotective parent and trying to prepare myself for him going to Kindergarten has been a struggle.

I hated the first day of school when I was a child. I was always nervous to start a new year, a new schedule, and meet new people. Once I am in a routine I don’t like to change it. After a couple of weeks I would get used to it though, and everything would be fine. I kept telling myself it would be the same when it came to my own children.

Monday, August 25 came out of nowhere. I had spent the weekend packing and unpacking his book bag, organizing his clothes, and double-checking his school supply list. Sunday night I went to bed early so I could get up extra early to make sure everything was perfect. That first day the parents were to accompany their children. We went to the classroom and the kids left to take a tour of the school. While they were busy exploring, the parents stayed in the classroom, filled out paperwork, and learned about the class schedule and curriculum. I was amazed at the things they would be learning throughout the year. It is a far cry from Kindergarten in 1988! After this orientation, we were free to go. Brady had a great time. I was still in shock and was ready to get home and go through the huge folder of information we were given. James was fine. Brady was fine. Cecilia (besides crying because she didn't want to leave Kindergarten) was fine. I was absolutely not fine. While everyone else was checking out the library and media center, I was checking for security cameras and fire exits.  How was I supposed to drop my baby off at a curb and feel confident that he made it inside to his class? How did I know he wouldn't get in a strangers car in the afternoon? Why were all the Facebook parents so “excited” about that first day? Surely, I couldn't be the only one worried about those things.

When you’re a parent you can’t freak out in front of your child. I was the picture of calmness on the outside but I was a wreck on the inside. I couldn't let Brady see my fears and anxiety so I carried on as normally as possibly. I made his lunch last night, making a little tear on the corner of the string cheese (what if he couldn't open his own cheese?), putting the thinnest layer of peanut butter possible on his sandwich (what if he chokes and no one notices?), and putting his crackers in a sandwich bad so it would be easier to open. He’ll just have to take his chances on the juice box because I didn't think to get a thermos.

Dropping him off this morning was hard. Really, really hard. When it was our turn in the carpool line, I wanted to help him out of the car. The teacher outside was hurrying us along and I didn't even get to hug him. People behind me were getting impatient so I pulled away, straining to see him in my rear view mirror. Just as I feared, I didn't see if he made it inside. His teacher assured me there would be plenty of teachers outside helping usher them in to their classes but I needed to see it. The tears began to flow and I had to pull over at Food Lion. I cried. It was the ugly cry, complete with snot and hyperventilating. I turned to look at my daughter and saw her staring at me like I was a lunatic. Maybe I am. But I remembered my own rule that I can’t freak out in front of the kids. So I pulled myself together and went inside to do some grocery shopping (since I was already there.) We came home, unloaded the car, went for our walk, and had breakfast. Now, here I sit, counting down the hours until I can see my boy’s happy face and hear about the wonderful day he had, and wonder what the hell I was so worried about.